Wake up
by Ragata
Summary: Kate tries to decide what to do after she slept with Sawyer, and they're all back at home on the island.
1. He will never find out

**Wake up**

_**Title:** Wake up_

_**Author**: Rebecka Larsson_

_**Classification:** Lost; angst; Jack/Kate/Sawyer_

_**Spoilers:** Nothing, I believe._

_**Disclaimer:** "Lost" do not belong to me. It all belongs to JJ Abrams, the cretors and producers of Lost. Don't sue._

_**Written**: December, 24 - 2006_

**Summary:** If she could only turn back time, and make some other decision, just not that one. Of course, she loved Sawyer, but as a friend, and nothing more.

_**A/N:** I haven't written a fanfic in quite a while, but now I finally took the time, and I figured a Jack/Kate/Sawyer fic was in order, after the very exiting episode 'I do'. This is maybe a little something of what I hope will happen. Please read, and review._

_Why would you risk it, Kate? Why would you risk it?_ The thoughts kept ringing in her head and she beat herself to try to make it stop. How could she? How could she betray both him and herself? She had done a mistake, and she _was_ ashamed of it. If she could only turn back time, and make some other decision, just not that one.

Of course, she loved Sawyer, but as a friend, and nothing more. She could never see herself with him, not in the past, not now and definitely not in the future. And now she had tricked him into believing she was his, that they were... together. She didn't want to be together with him at all! But why would he think otherwise after giving her entire self to him. He had embraced her in his arms, just when she needed comfort the most, but she had let it go _way_ to far.

And what about Jack? Yeah, Jack… What would he think of her if he found out? He would probably define her as a slut and lose all of his respect for her. That was the most horrifying she could think about in this moment. Losing Jack's respect and maybe even his trust. She had kissed him, and that day she had fooled him too, to believe something was going to happen. Though, she could see herself in Jack's arms, and it felt good. Sawyer had been a complete bastard to both Kate and everyone else on this island, but she had forgiven him, because she trusted him too much, and needed someone who understood where she came from.

He knew that she had killed someone, and still he looked at her as anyone else. If Jack knew... well, Jack would never look at her the same way, she was sure. He was a doctor, and he spent his life doing everything he could to save people's life, and to think that she had done the exact opposite. But she loved Jack. He was the most honest and caring man she had ever met, and she trusted him utterly and completely.

She had to make sure that he never found out about what happened between her and Sawyer, and she had to make sure that Sawyer got back to his old habits, and forget about their little fling. No one would ever find out about how much of a traitor Kate actually was.


	2. I don't need this

His smile was beautiful, and she couldn't help but chuckle when she saw a little brown seed in between his white teeth. She pointed at it, and he got embarrassed and tried to pluck it out of his mouth. When he wasn't successful, she laughed and when he heard her sensitive voice, he smiled again. They walked closer towards each other, and when Sawyer stood right in front of her and felt her breath on his chest, his whole body tingled, and by the look in her eyes, she felt the same attraction. At least, that was what he thought and hoped.

-" Sawyer", Kate spoke and took a breath, "I need to talk to you". He smiled and touched her arm gently, to which she close her eyes, because she tried to push away tears.

- "I'm right here, like always", he said and Kate smiled uncomfortably. They sat down next to one another, and at first they watched the green grass for a while, but soon they had full eye contact.

- "I don't think anyone should find out about what happened between us", Kate exclaimed, and finally she let a tear fall. "I mean, what happened... it was a mistake, Sawyer".

Sawyer broke the eye contact and stroked his beard, slowly. Kate watched his face to see what he felt, but it was completely blank. She could not see any expression there at all. "Please, talk to me", she begged, pleading him to look back into her eyes. He did so, and finally she saw some emotion, but not the good kind.

- "You said you loved me", he said. "You just changed you mind?"

- "Sawyer, I never said that", Kate said and bit her bottom lip. "You told me, and then I kissed you, but I never said those words". Sawyer looked away again, and she could see him tearing up, just like her. "Sawyer, I do love you", she said and grabbed his arm. "But as a friend, and I'm sorry for not having the same feelings you do, but I can't lie to myself anymore. But you have to understand how much I still care about you. You're the only one who's ever truly accepted me for what I've done and who I am".

- "So why don't you wanna be with me, Kate? We are perfect for each other. Why can't you understand that?" Kate pulled her hands through her hair and felt so angry with herself for even getting into this situation.

- "Because I don't need to be together with somebody who constantly reminds me what kind of a person I am. Yes, I have made very bad decisions in the past and I probably will in the future too, but I still have a little faith in myself, and need to remain that faith." Kate was shocked by her revelation, and exhaled deeply, but when she heard Sawyer laugh she looked at him almost feeling angry. "What are you laughing at?" She asked, irritated.

- "It's Jack, isn't it?" Sawyer said, and laughed even harder. Kate looked at him strangely and she was surprised by his words, but she couldn't help but consider them right. "The hero's the one you want or _need_, as you said."

- "Maybe", Kate said, almost only to annoy Sawyer. He had hoped that she would say a no, and she had already foreseen his reaction, when she didn't. But of course, it wasn't only to tease Sawyer. Maybe Jack did have something to do with it. As she had told herself earlier, she didn't want to risk loosing his respect and trust, and maybe it was because she wanted him, be together with _him_. "You know what, Sawyer", she said, "I don't know how I feel about Jack, but after all he's my hero, as you just said, and I care about him as much as I care about you." Sawyer's smile was gone by this time, and instead he had a furious expression on his face. If Kate didn't know Sawyer better, she'd think he would go find Jack and beat him down. Sawyer rose from the ground and walked in the direction of the camp. "Where are you going?" Kate screamed after him. Had she been wrong? Was he going after Jack? She ran after him and grabbed his arm tightly.

- "Stay away from me", he told her face, and she quickly pulled away her arm and felt both sad and angry with him for reacting this way. "I'm not gonna hurt you darling, freckles". _Freckles, huh? I guess we're back to normal_, Kate thought and smiled to herself, but cried floods on the outside.


	3. Emotions flow

Kate wiped away her tears and pushed them open to at least try to look normal, but she knew her eyes were red and they were soar. She hadn't cared about going after Sawyer, she knew him far too well, and she wanted his trust back. She didn't believe he was going to hurt Jack in any kind of way. What she was afraid of though, was that he would expose to Jack that she and Sawyer had sex, and all of this would be ruined. But she hoped that Sawyer knew better, she had faith in him.

When she finally decided to go to talk to Jack, she didn't feel her soar eyes anymore, but she felt fairly good actually. As long as jack wouldn't see her tears, there would be no worries.

- "Are you okay?" Jack asked as soon as Kate stood by him. She raised her eyebrow in confusion. He pointed easy at her face. "You've cried." Kate chuckled nervously, and remembered that Jack could never see past a face that had recently cried. He was too sensitive. Kate wasn't used to be around a sensitive man, not at all. But she loved it now. She had seen Jack cry, and when he had she appreciated him even more.

- "Did Sawyer talk to you?" Kate asked, trying to find out if she should lie to Jack or if she simply couldn't.

- "Sawyer?" Jack looked confused, and yet he had an obvious look on his face. "No, why? Something to tell me, Kate?" Kate looked down at the sand for a split second but then faced Jack again and shock her head.

- "No, it's nothing." She said, quiet. She couldn't believe herself. How could she stand here right in front of him and lie, once again? No she could not do this anymore! "Okay, there is something," Kate blurted out, almost shaking by her nervousness.

- "I know," Jack told her, and her eyes got wide opened. She asked him again if Sawyer told him, but Jack chuckled and shoke his head. "No, I saw you". Kate pressed together her eyebrows and took a step back.

- "What? You watched us?" She practically yelled out. She was so shocked of the revelation, and she couldn't believe Jack would do such a thing. Jack laughed once more, but she still saw sadness in his eyes.

- "No, I didn't _watch_ you", he said. "I just saw you lying in his arms, only blankets--" He couldn't finish his sentence. He loved Kate, and he hated that she had chosen Sawyer over him. He wanted her, and she had hurt him so much when he saw them together. Kate looked away, embarrassed of what had happened four days earlier. She had been sorry about many things in her life, but this definitely took the price. "Kate, I don't know where you stand, at all, at this moment, but I assume that Sawyer was the one for you, but... couldn't you at least have talked to me first?"

- "Jack, I don't want to be with Sawyer, not now, not ever. I made a mistake, and I already told him that. But what was I suppose to do, Jack? Wait for something to happen to me, so you could save me? I don't always want a hero, Jack." Kate felt the warmth of a tear again against her cheek, and quickly wiped it away. "How could you look at me and not see all the things that I kept just for you. I've been here, all along, for you, and you never took the time to see me." Jack took a step closer to her, and dried away more tears from her red cheeks. He even went so far that he embraced her with his big, bold arms. Differently from the last time he did so, she also held him, and she let all of her emotion flow out of her.

- "Wake up, Kate", Jack said and smiled at her. "I've always been here for you, but I've never had the guts to do something". They watched each other with tensed looks, and Jack smiled at her shyly. "I love you", he said and before he knew it, their lips were touching.

- "I love you too", Kate said. For the first time in a very long time, Kate had dared to say the three words. If only this moment would last forever. Kate didn't think she could have a future with Jack, because of her past her present and future. As soon as this moment were over they would have to go back to realtiy, but right now, that didn't matter. They knew where they had each other, and for the first time they really shared an honest trust.

THE END


End file.
